So, a couple of days ago I decided to stop out to the cemetary where my grandpa now resides. I had been telling myself for months that I would stop by and have a chat with him and the other day I realized that he passed away TEN MONTHS AGO and I still hadn’t stopped by. My grandpa was honestly the most amazing man I’ve ever met. He had the biggest heart and he always acted rationally and mature. From stories my dad tells me of when he was younger, aparently my grandpa wasn’t the best father because he was a work-a-holic, but ever since I can remember he was the most caring person int he world. When I was there I started thinking about my my dad (my grandpa’s oldest) and how his life was when he was young. That led me to think about my mother and his relationship when they were my age and it suddenly hit me that at my age, my parents were married and my mother had just given birth to my oldest brother. At my age. I can hardly take care of myself, let alone a husband and a newborn child plus going to college and paying rent. Then I started thinking about how I know nothing about being married or having the responsibilies of being a mother. I always use the excuse that I am young and immature and that is how I justify all of the stupid things I do in my life, which is honestly a cop-out but its reassuring. But I realized that the time between our parents generation and our generation has caused a huge change in mentality. In my opinion, we were babied by our parents because when they were kids, their parents were hard on them, and most people I know always say “I will never be like my parents”.  I know I don’t speak for everyone obviously, and I’m not saying our childhoods were easy, because I know everyone has problems, but I am saying that it hit me the other day that when i was younger, I felt everyone at my current age knew everything there is to know about life and how to live it. When I was 12 I can still remember thinking that when I get to college I am going to be out of my awkward, confused, self conscious phase because thats what people in college do, only to find the complete opposite. I’ve found that I’ve changed a lot since high school, and even since the beginning of college and I guess I just want to know that change is okay. I want to know that although I am doing stupid things now, I am doing them only because I don’t want to regret NOT doing them when I’m old. I have a huge fear that when I’m 70 and looking back at my life, I am going to regret the stupid things I did not do just beacuse they were stupid. I find its a constant struggle for me to decide if how I am living my life right now is okay or not because I am having fun, I am partying and staying out late and being a teenager (for the next 2 weeks until I turn 20 at least) and doing what I’m not supposed to be doing. But in the back of my head, I am happy that I have the time to do this now because in a few years ill have a career and a family and I won’t have time to act like an idiot. So that is my jusitification for acting like how most college students act, and I think I’m okay with that. I know this post went in a billion different directions but I was just thinking about these things and thought that if I wrote them down, I would understand them more. But like everything else, I am still just as confused.